How To Become The Woman You Secretly Want To Be

Hey, I'm Amanda Hess. I'm a certified life coach.

But what you need to know is I'm a sensitive woman just like you, and I'm going to help you understand yourself better so that you can approach your life differently and feel really good about it. Let's go. Today, let's talk about identity.

Ultimately, when we start talking about somebody's identity, how they are in the world, how they're seen, the way that other people see them, the way that they see themselves, I think that there comes this time where you ultimately realize that you are what you think you are. That it's not about how other people see you, it's about how you see yourself.

And I think that a lot of people listening to this podcast probably already know this. I'm not blowing your mind, but I do wanna share something with you today.

It's an analogy that I think could really help break away from maybe the identity that you don't want to have and break into the identity that you do want.

Because what I see holding most people back isn't that they don't know what they should be thinking, how they should be showing up, how they should be being. I think that a lot of times we actually do understand that.

And I think for those of us that have sensitive nervous systems, for those of us that are emotionally sensitive, for those of us that have experienced pain, have experienced trauma, have to a certain extent, been smacked down when we are, I'll put in air quotes, too big for our breaches, for those of us that have wanted to be more bigger, different, have a bigger life, have a bigger experience, have more joy, more passion, more pleasure, more fun.

For those of us that have wanted that at some point in our life, and maybe you're at a stage in your life where that seems so far away you can't even envision it. But nonetheless, I think that there is a desire for that in everyone. And I was really considering my skating experience recently.

I was skating just this past week with a bunch of our higher level skaters. Okay? And because I'm skating with these higher level skaters, the skating is faster. And if you don't know, I'm a figure skater. Okay?

So for those of you that have never listened to this podcast before, I am an adult figure skater. And so when I skate, I skate with all different levels of skaters. No, I don't land doubles or triples. I'm not that good. But I do really enjoy it.

And it's something that I really love putting my heart and soul into. And when I Am skating with higher level skaters. There's something that happens in my brain.

What I noticed was this week I stepped on the ice and we were doing backspins. And a backspin just means you're spinning on a backwards outside edge inside of a spin, okay. And you're on one foot.

And it's a spin that we didn't practice when I was a kid. So I am very lucky. I'm very blessed. I would say that I figure skated for many years.

I started figure skating when I was a small kid and I figure skated up until the point I was about 13, 14 when we moved away into the country. And my parents wanted me to take up riding instead of skating as my sport. So I did and that they didn't force me.

But kinda, I'll say kinda, kind of both. But at the end of the day, I wasn't enjoying my single skating anyways. But I digress. None of this matters in the story.

There are things that I learned as a figure skater, as a kid, that I have muscle memory for as an adult. And so when I came back to skating after a 30 year break, I was able to do things that I couldn't even tell you how to do them verbally.

My body just knew how. So for instance, my body knew how to spin. Now, that being said, I've been skating now for six years and my spins have gotten infinitely better.

But back spins were not something that we really focused on when I was a skater, not at my level. And so I really had to learn how to enter and do a backspin.

Usually what we do is we're doing a forward inside spin, which is something that I know how to do because that's something that I have muscle memory for. A backspin. A spin on my back, outside edge is something that I had to pick up and learn. And I have been at it for six years.

So fast forward, I have been trying to. In that spin, you want to cross your free leg over your other leg and basically put it down so that it's perpendicular to your other foot.

You're essentially crossing your legs in the spin.

Now it feels pretty prone if your balance isn't great, because if you fall with your legs crossed, I think you guys can do the math and understand what would happen.

Now when I stepped out on the ice and I was skating with these skaters recently on this session, these higher level skaters, my coach was just like, go do a backspin and we're gonna do this backspin drill. And we do backspin drills and figure skating to help you for landing jumps, okay?

Because you essentially land a spinning jump outside out of a backspin, right? So we're doing the spins, and I'm crossing my leg every single time.

Now, this is something that I've struggled with for six years, and it was something that I worked on the beginning of this year. I was working on it. It was spinning pretty slow. I was forcing myself to pull that leg over because there's no part of my body that wanted to do it.

But what's interesting about it is I was with all of these skaters that know how to do it. And my coach wasn't like, go, try a backspin. She's like, go, do a backspin and do this drill.

And as my brain watched all these other skaters do that, I went and did that, and I did it again and again and again. And every single time, I crossed my leg over, and it wasn't even a question. And think the psychology of this is worth understanding for you.

So why this is relevant for you is because of how our brains work and the idea of possibility.

So when we're talking about our identity and how we identify ourselves, how we see ourselves in the world, the kind of person that we think we are, the results that we think we can genuinely go out in the world and create, when we are looking at that, we are oftentimes boxed in. Okay? We are boxed in by what other people think about us. We are boxed in by our experience.

We are boxed in by what limitations we believe are in place. And these are all our thoughts. These are all our thoughts. All of them. None of them are real.

None of them are necessarily true because they're thoughts, right? Even just the expression, I can't do that is a thought. Thought. It is not a fact. And we could argue back and forth about this all day long, right?

You could say to me, no, Amanda, it is a fact, because I can't do it. And I'm just going to let you know that as long as you believe that you can't do it, you won't do it. You won't be able to do it.

As long as you truly believe the thought, I cannot do that, you will never be able to do it because you have essentially put yourself in the box. And this is really essential when it comes to understanding how we cultivate the identity that we want to have in the world.

So when I was doing this spin, what was happening psychologically is my brain, not logically.

It didn't logically register, like, well, if that person can do it and if that person can do it and if everybody on the ice is doing it, you can probably do it. It didn't do that. It just stopped arguing with me. And it was like, okay, let's go do it. And I did it and I did it again and again and again.

And my coach looked at me and she's like, oh my God, Amanda, you're crossing your leg over every time for your backspin. That's incredible. You're doing an awesome job. You know what's so interesting is that it's because it was never in question.

I just took on that identity without even really actively thinking about it. And I was really considering why that's important. And I noticed this in so many different places in the world.

So where I really notice it is in youth sports, right? So my kids have done youth sports for many years. I have a nice 19 year old, I have a 15 year old, almost 16 year old.

And when my boys, both my boys did hockey, which is very common in Canada, they would get evaluated when they were like five years old, six years old, seven years old, and they would be placed on a team so that they could play with teammates that were the same level as them, so that they could make it, quote, unquote fair. And I was thinking about this the other day, thinking how neither of my kids really moved up in their hockey skills ever.

They never actually got that much better. They always stayed in their group and moved along. Is that because their athletic ability was capped when they were 7 years old? Of course not.

That's insane.

But what it does show me is they were never surrounded by kids that were reaching for more, that were able to do better, that were showing them that more was possible than what they have. And back then I didn't have coaching around me. That wasn't something that I understood.

I mean, I would read self help books and I had a general understanding, but in no way would I have been able to connect the dots like this. The truth is that our identity is always flexible. We can always redefine it if we want to. But what it does require is possibility.

And one of the things that I do in my coaching practice, that I do with my clients, that I also see being coached on the ice when I'm figure skating and in so many different areas of my life and my kids lives, is that in order to form the identity that you want, you do need to surround yourself with more possibility. You do need to surround yourself with people that are saying yes to the things that interest you.

You do need to Surround yourself with mentors, coaches, peers who are going for the things that you want to go for. We need to open up the possibility bank inside of your brain. Yes.

I was just actually coaching a client today, and we were talking about how she has this latent anxiety that she seems to pull along with her, and what it looks like is just the emotional load of her life.

There are significant circumstantial things that weigh heavy for all of us and at different stages of our lives, that will ebb and flow, that will go up and down, but for her, there were a few.

And while we've done a lot of amazing work together, getting her to be able to feel very much like she knows how to reduce the anxiety, and she knows how to move through the emotion, and she knows how to not be stuck in the pain of how she's feeling, which has been incredible to watch, just to see her make that progression, to be in a place where she no longer feels this intense tightness in her head that feels like it's crushing her and she doesn't know where it's coming from, and she can't get rid of it, and it's so horrible. We've truly been able to move her through that. And to me, that is the heart of the work that we do in the beginning. It's so essential.

Without it, we can't move into these other areas.

So if you are a person right now that is just struggling under the weight of your life, hearing this podcast might be a little triggering for you, because you're not at that place yet. What I want you to know is that you absolutely can be at this place. Some of you might be listening to this and thinking, can't I have both?

And the answer is yes. But for this client, where she is now, we are looking at her brain holding this emotional load and the ways that we can get it to put it down.

And one thing that I heard just the other day, I was listening to Rick Rubin talk on a podcast. And if you're unfamiliar with Rick Rubin, he's a music producer famous for bringing bands to the spotlight, like Run dmc.

I've talked about him before. He was talking about how he has a lazy brain. And I thought that was so interesting. And it is true. I think of everyone.

So when he's talking about having a lazy brain, what he means is that on one hand, he loves the product of what he creates through his creative ventures. Right. But on the other hand, his brain is very resistant to doing the work, to getting there.

You know, the the actual production of creation is work for your brain. It's labor intensive.

Your brain really doesn't want to do it, and it will give you a lot of reasons and excuses for why this is not something that it wants to do. Yes, and my brain is no different. I have the same experience inside of myself.

Even when I went to record this podcast today, my brain was really grinding gears, not wanting to sit down and hit record. This is a very common experience for many people.

But what you might not realize is even if you're not working in a creative space where this is a part of what you do, this is happening for you too. So for my client, what we were really talking about was your brain still needs to do hard work. And she's retired.

So if you're retired listening to this podcast, this is especially for you as well. Because when we're retired, we no longer have this job that we have to go to. We don't necessarily have to do any of the hard things anymore.

When we're retired, I want to make a case for we need to start getting your brain to do hard work. And for her, what we really were talking about is finding things that give her the butterflies in her stomach.

Finding experiences, things she could put her brain to work on, Things that excited her, interested her, moved her.

Could we find things for her to do in her life that would allow her brain to have a job to do that would be a big enough job that it could put down all of those lagging stressors that were weighing her down? And this is the practice.

When we were having this conversation, she was very resistant to it and I was expecting it because her lazy brain wants to do what it's always done. Well, I do chores and I do this and I go for walks and you know, I am busy. I do a lot. And I don't disagree. She does do a lot.

She is not a lazy person. This is not what I'm saying.

What I am saying is that in order to find the things that are brain can focus on and really get to work on is going to be work for our brain. And our brain is set up to not want to do work.

That is essentially the problem because we have to get past that friction point so that our brain starts doing some work so we can let go of the other shit and we can start really focusing on the things that bring us joy, pleasure, happiness, fulfillment. These are the things that we do need to get our brain to work to do.

And it is a really interesting concept to start pulling your brain to these places. It's a very untapped resource. It's one that I have seen play out in my own life and I have helped countless clients walk through.

Because at the end of the day, you want to feel less anxious, you want to feel more free, you want to feel more fulfilled, you want to feel more like you, grounded. Okay, Right. This is what you want. You want great relationships with your people in your life. You want them to not be filled with strife.

You don't want to be over functioning emotionally for them. I get all of this. But we can get into this place in our life where it becomes, I guess, heavy with problems.

We start adding more and more problems to the pile and to me, this is just not effective. I find that so many people come to me with so many labels.

Either the labels that they have given themselves, which we do, and the labels that other people have given them and even medical diagnoses that they have been given that they are now wearing like it's an outfit that they are not allowed to take off. And I want to give you permission in this podcast to potentially take it off.

Surrounding yourself with a different way of thinking, surrounding yourself with possibilities, surrounding yourself with, oh, I don't even necessarily have to necessarily believe that I can do it yet, but if I surround myself with people that are, I could get there. This is a very unique perspective and one that I have seen work over and over again. The way that it worked in my skating.

I have seen work in so many different areas. I've seen it work when I started my coaching business because I didn't know any different.

I just knew that I had this wonderful, amazing tool and that I needed other people to know it too because it was so massively life changing for me. And so this is something that I started putting out in the world because I was in a group of people that were doing the same thing.

It just made it so possible for me and that's what coaching really did for me. That's what being around other humans that are going for the things they want will do for you.

You have the ability to change your identity any way you want to change it. But there's two things that you need to understand.

Number we need to be in spaces and places where people are speaking differently than how we're currently speaking.

So if you are hanging around the people that are like, the world's terrible, everything's awful, nothing's going to change, this is the way it's got to be. And we spend all our time there, this is what we will create.

And we will be really unaware that it's ultimately just because our brain is picking up on all of this and making it the truth. So if you want to change that, we need to change the environment with which you're in now.

Does that mean you need to break up with all your friends and your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or partner? Cancel all your family? I'm like, no. But we need to start spending time in places where we see possibility.

Is there, Which a podcast like this definitely does. Yes.

If you follow me on social media, if you go to Theamanda Hess on Instagram or TikTok or even Facebook, you will see that things that I talk about here are things that I post about there. And then lastly, you know, obviously, coaching, I am a huge believer, proponent in.

We must have somebody else telling us a different kind of truth if we want a different kind of life, if we want a different kind of identity. If you want a different life, you will need a different identity. That is just the way that it works. Does that mean you're not you?

No, it actually means you're more you.

You're just the you that believes in what you want, that the things you want to do are possible, that there is this path where you can find the things that light you up. But the other piece of the puzzle here, the other part of this is that. But you do need to start learning how to get past that lazy brain.

We need to get out of that familiar space that feels like, oh, this is right. And we need to listen to that butterfly in our stomach. We need to listen to that little flitter in our heart and go, oh, shit.

I do think I want to go for something different. I do think I want to go for something more. We need to start being able to listen to that, and we need to be able to start moving towards it.

And that is going to be a little bit difficult. Slash a lot difficult. But the payout is massive and guaranteed. Instead of always trying to eliminate pain, we can start really actively creating joy.

And this is the point that I wanted to really get across in this podcast and sharing that skating analogy with you.

Because if I just skated on my own and did that backspin again and again with my coach telling me how to do it and exactly what to do and blah, blah, blah, maybe I would have gotten there, but there's no way that I would have got there this fast. And that would have clicked so easily. There is just this beautiful instrument that we have, our brain.

It works in Ways that we don't necessarily fully understand. There's absolutely research to support that. When we see other people doing what we want, we can then do it.

Roger Bannister is a perfect example of that. With him being able to run a four minute mile. Before he had run a four minute mile, nobody had a four minute mile, nobody.

And then after he did, person after person really almost immediately after did. Why? Because of the psychology of it.

Because the possibility got planted and we are not spending enough time as a culture, as humans, impossibility and growing the possibility. And we are also not really, I feel normalizing the discomfort of being in that space, of putting yourself in that position.

And this is to me the number one thing that will move you from this anxious, stuck place into this thriving, I can handle anything space. It's such an interesting thing to look at and realize, wow, there doesn't need to be a fixing of me. I don't need to cure my disorder.

I don't need to make this untrue about me.

I just need to put myself in rooms, in positions, in places where people can see this about me, where they are doing it already and then I can follow suit. So my friend, if this interests you, of course I had two people from this podcast reach out and book a discovery call this week.

I always try to have a few spots on the books. If you want to talk this through and how this could work in your life, go to amandahest Ca bookacall. Let's talk about it.

I'd love to talk you through it. Otherwise, see her next time. Bye. Thanks so much for listening today.

If this podcast is helping you, please follow wherever you listen and consider leaving a review. It truly helps this community grow and allows me to support more women like you. I'm excited to see you back here next week with a brand new episode.

Until then, take care friend.