320. Take Back Your Life: The Case Against Responsibility Hoarding

Hey, my friend, listen.

I have been so sick, you may or may not have noticed that last week I did not put an episode up.

And that is because I felt so exceptionally unwell.

And the truth of the matter is, while I do feel better, I do not feel a hundred percent, not even close.

And so I have decided to give you one of my early episodes.

I'm re releasing it for you to listen to.

This episode is all about responsibility, hoarding.

And what's fascinating is that I recorded it over five years ago, and it is still one of the best episodes I've ever recorded.

So buckle up, grab a pen if you've got one.

Listen in.

Let's talk about this.

Are you a responsibility hoarder?

And if so, here's what you need to know about it.

Hi there, my name is Amanda Hess, and I am a certified life coach.

Welcome to the how to Love Yourself no Matter what podcast, where you are going to learn how to start loving yourself, trusting yourself, and believing in yourself for good.

Hello, and welcome to episode number 21.

Okay, before we get into it, I want to tell you guys something that is going to maybe make you laugh.

So I was laying in bed after having a day that I had a lot of just a lot of different balls in the air.

I had a lot of calls this morning.

I had some discovery calls with some potential new clients, people that were looking to make change in their life and really getting into them and what was happening for them.

And then I had to go and buy a new microwave because ours kind of blew up.

Like, it didn't really blow up, but.

The glass plate that spins around did.

Break into multiple pieces for reasons unknown.

And there was some rust inside.

And ultimately it was a very sketchy microwave and it was time for it to go, so went and bought a new microwave.

I went and saw a chiropractor for the first time in a year, which is a godsend, to be honest with you.

I have neck issues.

I have a bulging disc.

I have some arthritis.

I just have some problems with my neck that have gone unaddressed for a while.

So it was so amazing to be able to go and see a chiropractor today, but just with all of the things that we were doing.

Plus I. I bought myself a plant.

Because tomorrow is my birthday.

And I made a promise to myself a while back.

Like, my mom just did really well with plants.

And it was something that I struggled to like for a really long time.

But as I've gotten older, plants have just become this thing that I really enjoy.

And anyways, it's my mom's birthday in Febr February as well, so I actually went and picked myself up a plant to put in the corner of my new house.

I had a really beautiful plant that my mom had given me that was humongous.

And unfortunately, it just didn't make the journey here.

It wouldn't have made it.

It wouldn't have made it in the moving truck.

And there was no way for me to get it here because it was so large it wouldn't fit in my vehicle.

So just feel really excited about having that plant.

But this isn't what this story is all about.

The reason why I'm telling you this is because with everything that I had done today, I hadn't sa down and planned and recorded this podcast.

And I was laying in bed watching Superstore, which is my guilty pleasure.

I just love that show so much.

It's so funny and so clever and so easy to watch.

And I realized that I hadn't recorded this podcast.

So listen, I'm recording for.

I'm recording it for you now.

And when it releases, it will be my birthday.

So I will be a whopping 45 years old.

And I actually really love the topic of this podcast for that.

So I titled this podcast Responsibility Hoarding.

Are you a responsibility hoarder?

And I was a responsibility hoarder for a very, very long time.

I think being the oldest child, I think just growing up in the home that I did, we were always taught to take responsibility.

But when I talk about being a.

Responsibility hoarder, I think it's more than that even.

And what we tend to do is we tend to get to a point.

In our life where we start being.

And holding ourselves responsible for things that.

Are outside of our actual control.

Now, I just want to talk quickly about the term responsibility hoarder, because I.

Don't remember where I heard it and.

I didn't write it down.

So if you're the one who said.

It, or maybe you had a podcast about it, or you and I had.

A conversation and you said it to me, let me know, because I'd love to give you credit for that particular term because I think it's excellent.

So many of us really do hoard responsibility.

And what hoarding responsibility looks like is.

It looks like taking responsibility for things.

That are outside of your control.

So taking responsibility for other people being one of the biggest things that we do.

Taking responsibility for how other people feel.

Taking responsibility for what other people think.

Taking responsibility for what other people do.

And one sure way to know if.

You are a responsibility hoarder is if.

You are a people pleaser.

And so what that looks like is you're living your life so that other people will like you.

You're living your life in a way and showing up in a way to ensure that the people around you will continue to love you.

You don't have any boundaries because you need to convince people.

You need to convince people of your worth.

You need to convince people of your lovability, right?

You don't have any boundaries because you need to show them how good you are for them.

You don't have any boundaries because you think you need to meet their needs above and beyond meeting yours.

And you think that meeting their needs means controlling their emotional experience.

What I mean is, is you take on all of the responsibility for everybody.

And I know that you might be thinking like what's wrong with that?

And aren't we supposed to be responsible?

And what I want you to know is that it's a yes and no answer.

And I want you to think about the difference.

And this is why I love this word.

I want you to think about the difference between being a collector and being a hoarder.

So being a collector of something is going to bring you joy, right?

It's going to add value to your life.

It might be a hobby, it's fun, it brings you pleasure.

Now I want you to think about being a hoarder.

Being a hoarder takes over.

It's not fun, it's something you need to do.

It's compulsive, it's not within your control and it detracts from your life.

It actually makes your life worse and it makes you less you because you are hyper focused on everything around you.

And so therefore you have no internal compass.

You have no way of directing yourself and evaluating yourself and validating yourself from an internal place.

So what I want to know is, do you feel this way about being responsible?

Like really ask yourself what is your responsibility when it comes to other people?

Have you ever thought about that?

Have you ever considered how you judge yourself?

Because listen, this is what I know for certain.

You cannot control other people.

It's simply not possible.

Not ever.

You cannot control what they do, you cannot control how they feel, you cannot control what they think.

Apparently that is a tongue twister for me.

Because the thing is about other people is they have their own brain and they have their own priorities.

So what if you gave up the responsibility for other people?

What if you just dropped it?

What if you decided that was no longer your job?

What would change?

What would be different?

I want you to think about what you can actually be responsible for.

What can you be responsible for?

You can be responsible for yourself,.

Period.

Right?

You can be responsible for your actions.

You can be responsible for your thoughts.

You can be responsible for your feelings.

You are responsible, but really only for yourself.

And this alone can set you free.

Because just consider that you don't actually make other people mad.

You don't make them sad.

You don't make them act a certain way.

You don't make them feel a certain way.

You don't make them think a certain way.

You are simply not responsible, which is really good news, right?

But also know that if that is true, then you are responsible for you, for how you feel, for how you act, for what you think.

And that also means that you're responsible for liking yourself.

You're responsible for loving yourself.

You're responsible for believing in yourself.

Only you are responsible for that, which is really, really great news, because it means that you are only responsible for the things that you can control.

And other people are not part of that equation.

So you don't have to hoard that responsibility anymore.

You don't have to turn yourself inside out trying to control other people, what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling.

You only have to control you.

Your only job is to work on your compass and make sure it works.

Now, listen, if liking yourself or loving yourself or trusting yourself seems impossible, I've got you.

It's a skill.

You can learn it.

If you don't have it right now, it's not because you can't have it.

It's not because other people need to give it to you.

It's because you don't know how to do it.

But I can teach you.

I can teach you how to do that.

I have podcast episodes about that.

And also, if you're really serious about figuring this out, book a free discovery call.

It's a call with you and me.

It's one hour, and it's all about you.

Let's get to the bottom of what's going on so that you can get to work changing what's not working, but only changing the things that you can actually control.

So let's all stop being hoarders, and let's all begin controlling only the things that we can control, which is always ourself.

Okay?

Have a beautiful day.

I'LL talk to you soon.

Thanks so much for listening.

You can look forward to a new episode of this podcast every two weeks.

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