Belonging is one of our most basic human needs — but what if the biggest thing standing in the way of Jealousy is one of the most misunderstood emotions — and one of the most shamed. Most of us were never taught how to feel jealousy without turning it against ourselves or others.

In this episode, I unpack what jealousy actually is, why it hurts so much, and how it can either become a source of unnecessary suffering or a powerful source of self-awareness. We explore the difference between clean jealousy and dirty jealousy, how judgment gets layered on top of pain, and why jealousy isn’t a character flaw — it’s information.

This is an honest conversation about desire, disappointment, self-worth, and how learning to let jealousy stay clean can change the way you relate to yourself and others.

In This Episode, We Cover:

• What jealousy actually is (and what it isn’t)
• Why jealousy often feels so intense and painful
• The difference between clean jealousy and dirty jealousy
• How we turn jealousy into extra suffering through judgment
• The two most common ways jealousy gets “dirty”
• A personal story about trying out for Stampede Queen and what jealousy revealed in hindsight
• How jealousy can lead to growth — or cause us to shrink
• Why avoiding the clean pain of jealousy often keeps us stuck
• How jealousy points directly to desire, longing, and possibility

Key Takeaway

Jealousy doesn’t mean something has gone wrong. It means you want something. When you stop judging yourself or others for that desire, jealousy becomes a clean signal — not a punishment.

Mentioned in This Episode

• Clean pain vs. dirty pain
• Desire as information, not a problem
• Emotional honesty without self-abandonment
• Using emotion as guidance instead of self-judgment

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Book a discovery call here:
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Full Episode Transcript:

Episode 296 – Transcript

Okay, friends, coming in hot with a really interesting topic, which is jealousy. I remember when my mentor did a training and talked about jealousy, and I actually don’t think we can talk about it enough, because it really isn’t an emotion that we have been taught not to be ashamed of — that we should feel shame if we feel jealous.

But I want to kind of look at where jealousy comes from. Like, what creates jealousy?

At the end of the day, what it is, is somebody having something that you want and wishing that you had it instead of them. That’s the thought process. The feeling of jealousy, though, is frequently very painful. I think it’s a very intense emotion.

When we feel jealousy, it almost physically hurts us. And I think where it comes from is: you have something that I want, and I can’t have it, and you can. And the dissonance of that is the jealousy.

I don’t think jealousy is something we need to be ashamed of at all. I think to be jealous is to be human. You can call it by a different name if you want to, but in the end, it’s what it is. I want something you’ve got, and I wish I had it, and I don’t.

And it creates this dissonance for me — and to me, that’s very clean. Even if you were to say that to someone, I don’t know that they would be mad at you. I just think that it’s very honest.

Where it gets muddy is when we feel that and then we want to tear the other person down. There’s clean jealousy, and there’s dirty jealousy.

Clean jealousy is: I want something that you have, and I want it so bad, and I wish I had it. And I think it’s unfair that you get to have it and I don’t.

Versus: I want something so bad, and you’ve got it, and I’m going to tell myself you don’t deserve it. You’ve got something that I want, and I’m going to talk shit about you and believe that you never earned it.

That’s when it gets dirty.

It also gets dirty when it’s like: you’ve got something that I want, and I’m going to make it mean that I’m not good enough.

Those are two different ways that we make jealousy really dirty. And when I say dirty, what I mean is simply that we’re adding additional pain.

There’s the clean pain of you’ve got something I want, and I’m upset that I can’t have it, and then we’re turning it into something dirty — which is that extra layer of judgment. On ourselves, on you, on the situation, on the people that decided — you name it.

I remember many, many years ago — I was probably 19, maybe 18, I can’t quite remember — and I decided I was going to try out for Stampede Queen.

If you’re not from Calgary, Canada, you might not know what that is. But if you Google the Calgary Stampede, it’s considered to be the greatest show on earth. It’s world famous — not just for the fair, which is a big part of it, but also the rodeo and the grandstand show.

They do a rodeo, they do chuckwagon races, they do this huge grandstand show. It’s a whole thing. It’s a ten-day event. There’s a parade to start it all off. I mean, it’s a thing. It’s a vibe. People come from all over the world to see it.

I could ride. I was a really good horseback rider. It’s something I was adept at, and it was a passion of mine for a long time. So I decided I was going to try out for Stampede Queen — which was kind of a big deal, because I’d never really thought that I was pretty, let alone beautiful.

I’d never done a pageant. I didn’t even know what that entailed. And I did not prepare very well for it at all.

The first part of the competition involved an interview and performing a speech in a theatre in front of the audience — all the people who had come to watch their loved one compete. I can’t remember how many of us there were. Maybe 80, maybe more. And then, you know, the judges.

During the interview, I didn’t know how long the Stampede was, and I didn’t know when it started. Not a great starting point. Not super prepared for that question.

Then I did the speech. And my God — I have never been so nervous in my life. My voice shook. It was not my finest hour.

Then you have to ride. And you ride these Shriners horses. And good Lord — they’re just duds. They don’t do anything. They’re not well trained. They don’t listen to your leg.

Nothing about it went right.

This horse would not canter. It would not back up. And I trained horses. At that point, I was like, this is just terrible.

So anyway, I totally bombed pretty much every part of it. Totally bombed it. But I tried really hard, and I was kind of hoping that my charm would maybe get me through.

It didn’t.

I got cut on the first cut, and I had so much dirty jealousy. I was jealous of the girls who made it. Jealous that I didn’t get to go forward. Jealous of their speeches.

And then there was all of this: I’m not good enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not pretty enough. It’s not fair that my horse sucked. The judges don’t know what they’re looking for.

I noticed how quickly I moved into the dirty part of jealousy instead of just accepting the clean pain of it. Like, oh man — I wanted that, and I didn’t get it.

The funny thing is, I could have tried out again the next year. But instead, I made it dead to me. I was like, I’m never doing that again. That was terrible.

And I just think it’s so fascinating, because we can use jealousy for our growth, or we can use jealousy for our shrinking.

And I chose shrinking.

It wasn’t until many years later, after I had kids, that I started doing presentations and learned that there are ways to do this — to make it fun and engaging, to do it without cue cards, so my hands don’t shake and I don’t have to memorize everything.

Because it turns out, I’m a pretty articulate speaker.

Those are skills I could have grown in that moment — and I didn’t.

So that’s my little story about jealousy. You can use it for you, or against you. And as long as it’s clean, there’s nothing wrong with jealousy at all.

All it means is that you have a heart, and you want something, and you have desires — and it’s time to figure out how to go get them.

Alright, my friends. Bye for now.