How to Stop Playing It Safe (and Why It’s Making You Miserable)

I’m at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do.

This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not the hard things that life hands you without asking — the sickness, the loss, the layoff, the breakup. I’m talking about the hard things you choose. The ones where your brain says “maybe I could do that” and then immediately talks you out of it.

I tell you about getting a score of 11 when the skater before me got a 22, sitting in the kiss and cry trying to figure out what just happened, and why I skated away from that knowing I need to grow my capacity for embarrassment — not avoid it. I share the difference between tolerating embarrassment (grinning and bearing it, hoping it never happens again) and actually growing your capacity for it (feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing). I talk about why courage isn’t a personality trait — it’s a skill you build, and how you can be courageous in one area of your life and terrified in another. And I tell you about the skater who’s brave enough to compete but scared to start her business, because that’s exactly how it works.

I also tell you why paying the entry fee is the easy part, why “what do I think I can do?” is the wrong question, and why fulfillment isn’t something you find — it’s something that arrives when you start doing things that scare you on purpose.

Key Takeaways:

Life hands you enough hard things you didn’t choose. You need to add hard things you do choose — things that scare you, light you up, and make you think “fuck yeah, I did that.”

“What do I think I can do?” is the wrong question. It’s the question that keeps you small, and it gets more tempting the older you get.

You won’t die from embarrassment. I know because I’ve been dead last by a lot, and I’m still here. You need to grow your capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid it.

Tolerating embarrassment is grinning and bearing it and hoping it never happens again. Growing your capacity is feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing.

Courage isn’t a personality trait. Nobody is naturally courageous. It’s a skill, and once you know how to grow it, you can grow it anywhere, on demand.

You can be courageous in one area and terrified in another. The skater who competes without flinching but is afraid to start her business? That’s all of us.

Fulfillment isn’t something you find. It’s something that arrives when you start doing hard things on purpose — growing your capacity for embarrassment and your ability to create courage.

Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes “oh, that’s me — I need that,” I want to talk to you. It’s a free discovery call, just you and me, and it is a courageous first step. It might be the first time you let yourself say out loud what you actually want.

Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall

I’m at my competition until Saturday and heading home Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week.

Links referenced in this episode:

amandahess.ca/bookacall