What If It Wasn’t You? Internalized Blame with Maggie Reyes

Something goes wrong and your very first thought is “what did I do?” An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone’s in a bad mood and you’re already scanning for how it was you. That reflex has a name, it’s called internalized blame, and it is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your life. It’s the thing that keeps you small, quiet, and convinced there’s no solution because the problem is you.

In this episode I’m joined by my mentor, my friend, and the reason I’m a coach at all, Maggie Reyes. Maggie is a feminist marriage coach and she’s been part of my life since 2018. We talk about the difference between personal responsibility (which shows you where your choices are) and internalized blame (which just tells you something is wrong with you), why women get this messaging everywhere all the time, and what to do when you catch yourself blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Maggie shares the question she gives every client who does this, the pattern interrupt she gave a client whose thoughts felt like an assault, and the one thing she wants you to remember when you feel stuck in a job or a relationship past its expiry date.

I told the “doing an Amanda” story again on this one, and Maggie told me what her mom used to say to her in Spanish. It turns out both of us grew up being ridiculed for things that were just our brains doing their thing. We also got a spider on my clock mid-recording and Maggie looked up what it means. Apparently it’s personal power and being the author of your own life. I’ll take it.

Key Takeaways:

Personal responsibility asks “what was my role in this?” and moves you forward. Internalized blame says “something must be wrong with me” and leaves you in shame with no way out.

Being embarrassed that you fell down, bumped into something, or lost your balance is blaming yourself for being human. Humans fall. Humans bump into things. That’s not going away.

When in doubt, assume it wasn’t you. Yes, it feels arrogant. Do it on purpose anyway, because the honest truth is most of the time it isn’t you and you never even consider that.

Ask “what else is also true?” You don’t have to suddenly think amazing things about yourself. You just have to make room for the other nine things that are also true.

When the thoughts come in like a rampage, don’t fight them. “Thank you. I hear you. That may or may not be true.” Say it as many times as you need to. Tug on the rope and the dog pulls harder.

You have choices. Most of us stay in situations that hurt us because we get amnesia about that. “What are my choices here?” is the question that changes everything.

Call to Action:

Book a call with me: If you listened to this and heard yourself in it, if your first reaction to everything is “what did I do,” I want to talk to you. It’s a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and we’ll figure out what’s actually going on and what you want to do about it.

You are not the only one. I promise you that.

About Maggie Reyes:

Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach, feminist marriage coach, and mentor on a mission to help women find their power in all their relationships—starting with marriage. She works with high-achieving women whose marriages are loving, respectful, and quietly stuck, helping them create meaningful change without waiting for their partners to participate first.

Maggie hosts The Marriage Life Coach Podcast (top 2% globally, 200+ episodes) and is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal. Her background in HR leadership in the cruise industry and at a multi-state law firm gives her a sharp read on power dynamics and high-stakes communication that translates directly into her coaching.

Based in Miami, Maggie is a Cuban-American Filipina who brings a compassionate feminist lens to her work. She’s currently obsessed with Heated Rivalry, and also loves Formula One and Bridgerton.

Links Referenced:

amandahess.ca/bookacall

Maggie’s website: https://maggiereyes.com/

Maggie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themaggiereyes/

The Marriage Life Coach Podcast: https://maggiereyes.com/podcast

Questions for Couples Journal: https://maggiereyes.com/