Why You Can’t Control Your Emotions (and How to Be Their Boss Instead)

A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn’t get picked. I’m not going to tell you what it was because it doesn’t matter. What matters is what happened in the 4 seconds after I read the email, when my brain was off and running with every reason I wasn’t good enough and every argument for making myself smaller so it would never happen again. That moment is what this episode is about. Not the no. What you do with the feeling that shows up right after it.

In this episode I talk about the lie we’ve all been told, that emotions are something you can control, and what to do instead. I walk you through the reframe that landed for me driving in my car: your emotions are employees you don’t get to fire. They show up to every meeting whether you hired them or not. You’re their boss, but being the boss has never meant getting rid of them. It means respecting them, knowing them by name, understanding where they’re coming from and what they feel like in your body, and then deciding what you’re going to do with what they’re offering. I also talk about why your capacity for this will be lower when life is hard, and what being a good boss to your emotions actually requires of you.

I use figure skating to show you how this works in real time, because I just competed less than a month ago and the adrenaline dumped into my body exactly the way it always does. Fear showed up and told me to run. I didn’t argue with her and I didn’t pretend she wasn’t there. I said, of course you’re here, let’s go, and I used that energy for my jumps. Shaky arms, shaky legs, brain trying to devolve, and me in the middle of it going, no baby, dig in, where’s the music, what’s next. That’s what being the boss looks like. It’s the same thing my clients go through when they’re dating and terrified of liking someone who won’t like them back. Same emotion, same body, same job.

Key Takeaways:

You don’t control your emotions. Nobody does. Every plan that starts with “I just need to stop feeling this” fails, and then you make the failure mean something about you.

Your emotions are employees you can’t fire. They’re always on the team. Being the boss means leading them, not getting rid of them.

Respect comes first, and respect means acknowledgement. You can’t acknowledge a feeling you can’t name, so get an emotions wheel and move past “anxious, sad, mad.”

Understand where it comes from (the thought or belief underneath) and what it feels like in your body. You can’t lead someone you don’t understand.

Then decide. Is what this feeling is offering what we’re going to use, in the way it’s offered? If not, how are we going to redirect it? Fear becomes fuel. You go anyway.

Being a good boss to your emotions means sleep, regulation, things that ground you, and getting support where you need it. Your capacity will be lower when life is hard, and nothing is going wrong when it is.

If you’re exhausted from overthinking and stress, come to my free weekly class. I’ll teach you this concept and several others so you can start feeling at home in your own brain. Sign up at amandahess.ca/overthink. And come find me on Instagram at theamandahess and message me what you took away from this one. I’d love to answer your questions.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://amandahess.ca/overthink

https://www.instagram.com/theamandahess